Building Your Unique Cocoon for Transformation

In my office I have a special guest. When it first arrived, it was yellow with black spikes. It is a caterpillar my daughter found in the yard and put into an indoor butterfly habitat filled with fresh leaves and a long stick. Our cats were quite fascinated with the little creature – staring at it and smelling it, with an occasional tap on the cage. It needed a quiet place without prying claws so into my office it came. After researching what kind of glorious butterfly it would turn into, we found out it is a moth caterpillar. Slightly disappointed, but still enthusiastic, we watched it and waited. In just a few days it had spun its cocoon and attached to the side of its habitat. And there it waits for transformation. The cats are no longer interested in it as there is no movement or new smells to stir their interest.
I admire the caterpillar’s ability to cocoon. When I think of all the writing I want to do, and all the shifts and changes I would like to create, I dream of being in a cocoon able to block out the rest of the world and just focus on my inner world. Every year I attempt just that and go away by myself for a few days on a retreat. I pack up a big pile of papers, books, my laptop and have a long To-Do list of the work I will get done. What often happens is NOT the accomplishment of the To-Do list. It is usually a lot of exhaling and time just to be and connect with my soul. It would help if I chose not to connect with the WI-FI, which even at my favorite north woods retreat center run by Franciscan Sisters is blessed with a strong signal. But like a big bag of Doritos – it is hard to ignore.

I work out of my home so it is not like I don’t have quiet alone time. The challenge is the allowing of being quiet and going within. My day starts around 6:30 with a mad rush to get my daughter up and ready to get to the school bus on time which she conveniently picks up at the YMCA. Every weekday I am faced with – do I work out now….or go home and get work done and maybe… maybe go later. Once home, I feel the urgency to jump on email and Facebook to respond to the needs of clients, friends, and volunteer commitments. And well, to just get enmeshed in everything that is going on in the world that serves as a HUGE distraction from being truly present for my life. It seems like it would be the opposite because I am connecting with people and being active in the world from my computer screen. But it all comes down to filling my head and my heart with noise, so much noise that I can’t hear my own heart. We’re all guilty—so much noise that we can’t hear our soul speaking the truth without fear or shoulds.

One of my favorite books is Hope for the Flowers by Trina Paulus. It contains many nuggets including one that has held deep meaning for me for years.

“How does one become a butterfly?” she asked.
“You must want to fly so much that you are willing to give up being a caterpillar.”

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A caterpillar instinctively makes that decision. It picks its spot, spins its cocoon, and deliberately creates that transformation. We need to be deliberate, too, in the decision to create change in our lives. Unfortunately for most of us, we can’t cocoon ourselves in our homes, or in a cabin in the woods (another fantasy!), or in a house by a beach. Steven King wrote his first novel in the evening in his laundry room after working his day job and JK Rowling wrote Harry Potter in a coffee shop. Maybe the transformation you seek begins at your local gym, or in a corner of your living room, or gets a jump start from an inspiring workshop or retreat. For most of us, the transformation takes place out in the world supported by steps that nurture our curiosity and peak our desires enough to move through the discomfort of change. The question becomes – are we willing to get uncomfortable? Can we be deliberate in our quest for transformation and build our own unique cocoon that begins the journey? I believe we can.

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Are You a Dream Crusher?

I strategically picked out a spot at my daughter’s swim team practice. It was at the end of a long bench that allowed for optimal back support, unobstructed views of practice, and was isolated enough that I could read a chunk of a juicy book about the adventures walking the Camino de Santiago. Or so I thought. Fifteen minutes into practice and the woman at the other end of the bench slides down and shows me a picture on her phone. “Isn’t this the cutest?” It’s a picture of young girls wearing a beach towel made into a mermaid tail. “Yes, it is cute,” I reply. I have never seen or met this woman before. It is preseason so there are several new families trying out the team. I go back to reading my book. “I am planning a combination mermaid/pirate party for my son and daughter’s birthdays. I just love planning parties!” She continues on to tell me about her dilemma of coming up with a mermaid favor for the party. She is thinking of making these towels. I nod, and go back to reading. More Pinterest pictures appear on her phone as she reaches over to share. I shut my book. Reading seems futile at this point and, since she is a new to the team, I decide to forgo for another day discovering the wisdom that walking 500 miles brings.

My new friend tells me about the cowboy party she gave complete with a horse showing up to give the kids ride. “Everyone says I should be party planner. They all want me to plan their parties. I would love to do that, but it wouldn’t work. I wouldn’t make money.” A statement like that for me is like tossing raw meat in front of a lion…so I take the bait. I ask her some questions and, after sharing a few ideas, it is clear she is convinced she can’t have a job doing what she loves. Realizing her mind is made up—and she is not paying me to coach her—I let go. I have always been passionate about helping people manifest their dreams, but I have learned they have to have a willingness to believe it is possible.

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/www.flickr.com/people/doscronopios/

I look out at the pool. “Yes, that is it!” I hear a coach scream as a swimmer perfects her dive. I remember watching my daughter at four being terrified to jump off the diving blocks during swim lessons. Then at five, she began swim team, learned how to dive, and competed in her first swim meet. She was scared before that first meet and almost backed out. During the 50 meter freestyle race, she dived in, turned around, and started swimming backstroke! I ran from the stands and started yelling to get her attention. It was no use. There were well over a hundred people in the pool area and the noise level was near glass shattering. Her coach was able to stop her after her first 25 and she turned around and swam freestyle the other half of the race. All the other swimmers had finished way ahead of her and the crowd applauded when she finally touched the wall. I thought she might quit after that but she didn’t give up, and is now in her fourth year on the team.

Why do we as adults give up on ourselves so easily – often before we even start? We don’t give ourselves a chance to pursue our passions. We talk ourselves right out of it. Yet, we encourage our children to go for it and not give up. We have more at stake. We have egos to bruise and fears to move through. And of course there is money! Ask yourself what is the belief about money that keeps you from pursing a vocation you are passionate about? Look at your life. Have you boxed yourself in so tightly with mortgage payments, car payments, credit card bills, etc. that you can’t see the wiggle room to pursue your dream? There is a way. When the beat of your soul comes a’ calling and your heart lights up at the thought of being embraced in what you love to do – that is no accident. That is part of your purpose. Your divine right. There is a way. Crack that door open and allow yourself to explore the possibilities. And stop saying, “ya, but.” Let go of the money and just begin the journey. What does the dream look like? What information do you need? Who can you talk to who has done what you want to do or has pieces of the passion puzzle to share? Begin. The world need you and your passion. As Martin Luther King said, “Take the first step in faith. You don’t have to see the whole staircase, just take the first step.” Talk about your dream to those who are supportive, watch doors start to open, and people begin to appear to help you manifest your vision. Who knows, you may even have a million dollar party planning business!

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Why Not Be The Voice in the Room?

“What’s right isn’t always popular. What’s popular isn’t always right. ~ Howard Cosell

It was seventh grade and he was the most popular teacher at our school. There was overcrowding in my grade; we had 6 seventh grade classes. Over the holiday break we received a letter at home announcing the school was creating a seventh class made up of a few kids from each of the other classes. We were to be class 7-7.

We were a rowdy bunch, but developed a good comradery early on. Since schedules were already set, we seemed to be an extra class for some teachers. One teacher, Mr. Iz, had us for two classes – English and Science. He was the “cool” teacher. He wore jeans to school, had a long pony tail and beard, and tried to be buddies with the kids. I heard what a great teacher he was. For some reason however, he chose not to teach during our class times. He would sit and read Sports Illustrated, the girls would play jacks, and boys flipped paper footballs back and forth. A favorite pastime we engaged in was trading barbs back and forth with him, one I excelled at. It was the strangest thing, day after day this went on. Very occasionally, we would so some school work.

One rare occasion, he asked us to write a paper. Instead of writing a paper, I went home and wrote him a letter. Before he entered the room, I told the class what I had done and had everyone sit quietly on one side of the room. He walked in and had a look of shock to see the class sitting there silent. He asked what was going on and I told him I wrote a letter to him that I would like to share with the class. The essence of the letter was that we had the right to learn and he– being our teacher–was obligated to teach. When I finished reading it out loud, a single tear rolled down his cheek. He asked for the letter and then he opened a book and began to teach.

He was exceptionally hard on me the rest of the semester and some of the other kids eventually got tired of having to actually do work in class instead of messing around…although there was still some of that. I never understood why he acted that way with our class. To this day, people still talk about what a great teacher he was. He was the teacher I learned the least from….or maybe the most. I learned that you have to stand up for what you believe in even when others don’t or can’t or won’t. Sometimes, you have to be the voice in the room so that everyone can benefit. In seventh grade, I learned there can be a cost to that. However, the cost of staying silent is much greater.

Often over the years, I have been that voice in the room on many occasions. Recently, the opportunity came up again when I laid out some concerns I had with an organization I am involved with. A great dialog ensued, but what surprised me was the comment that no one else had brought these issues up before despite the fact that many obviously had an opinion to share. So although I participated in several conversations with constituents of the organization, no one wanted to be the voice that challenged those who were in charge and could actually address the concerns.

It is often easier just to let someone else do it or live with the status quo. We don’t want to stand out or risk people not liking us if we disagree or challenge them.

As women, this is 4741686942_6f0bb0016d_boften particularly difficult as we’re often conditioned to           “be nice” and “not to make waves.”

With events going on in the world today, and political decisions being made that appear irrational, many of us are feeling very disempowered. So we talk among ourselves feeling angry and frustrated. Decisions are being made that directly impact several areas of our lives. Look around you in your everyday life and see where you can make an impact. Maybe you are not moved to be a political activist, but maybe there is something going on in a part of your world, your life, or that of your family where you can make a difference by being that voice in the room. The energy it takes to hold back is much greater than what it takes to stand up and be that voice. So have a little courage. Be that voice in the room. Your soul knows what it’s doing.

 

Golden opportunity coming up to learn how to get clarity and listen to your soul’s wisdom by learning to access the Akashic Record. This is a one of a kind workshop that will empower you to be the voice in the room and gain a greater understanding of the world today from this profound domain of consciousness. ”Living Empowered in Turbulent Times” will be held June 13-14 near Wausau, Wisconsin. Click on the link below to grab your spot before they are all gone!

https://www.facebook.com/events/1602753060010929/

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Transforming Old Dreams Into New Visions

I walked into the Asian store in town to pick up supplies to make pad Thai and a curry. My daughter went off to explore the exotic candies. I have always been grateful for this store in a land that is not oozing ethnic diversity, particularly in the culinary world. They have most things you would need to make your favorite Asian dishes. I love discovering new things to add to my favorites like the herb culantro with its intense intoxicating smell and rich flavor to use in place of cilantro. I have done some cross cultural experiments such as using fresh lemongrass and ginger in matzo ball soup.

The woman who runs the shop is always willing to offer help in making a dish and choosing the best ingredients. She asked me how old my daughter is and was surprised when I said she was 8 as she remembered me bringing her into the store when she was just a baby.

I remembered those early days too, so grateful to find a shop that reminded me of the excitement of travelling to different lands. During that time, I was thankful to truly feel at home in one place and to have my own family.

I loved all my travels when I was younger – living, learning and working in different countries with the romance, adventure, and stretching myself way beyond my comfort level. It was what fed me on a never ending quest for self-discovery, much to the frustration of my parents when I announced via overseas call, I am just not ready to come home yet, and continued on a new adventure. Or when I finally came back home to finish college and months later had to take another time out and answer the call of yet another travel journey. Eventually, I did graduate college and then traveled some more before I came back and took a more traditional job…well sort of, but that is another story for another day. When I have thought about travel over the years since, it felt more like work and I knew it would take way more energy than I could muster.

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Photo Credit Alice Popkorn

My nephew Mike has been travelling all over the world the past few years. I keep track of his adventures on Facebook and occasionally we exchange messages and share life philosophies. His escapades often evoke memories of my wandering years. I know that restlessness. I know the urge to discover more and that feeling of being able to fit in anywhere and nowhere at the same time. It is such a different time now than when I travelled. You can update people in an instant with your life instead of making them wait for weeks for a tissue paper air mail letter. You can monitor the lives of friends and families while traveling with the Internet in your pocket.

Something was triggered in the store that day. My love of travel, that has long been buried, started to stir. I know I don’t want to revisit the days of travelling with a backpack and sleeping in hostels. But what do I want from travel now? Who am I now and what experiences do I desire? What would it take for me to get in travelling shape – physically, emotionally, financially and spiritually?

For many of us, the challenge is how to allow ourselves to revisit old dreams. Instead of tossing them away, can we open to a new way they may manifest in our lives? In midlife, our dreams of singing on stage, being a doctor, working abroad, getting married, having your own business, walking the Camino, starting a nonprofit, writing a book, going back to school, having a child, trekking in Nepal, make music, having a farm, living by the beach, running for political office, or joining the Peace Core, may have changed.

The first step is to allow ourselves to feel the desire without pushing it away, without telling ourselves why it can’t happen. The desires were planted in us long ago and now maybe they have changed form. If being a doctor is no longer possible, what kind of healing work can you do? If having your own farm feels overwhelming, where can you contribute to a local Community Supported Agriculture (CSA) farm? If your operatic voice can’t hit those notes anymore, what is the local theater producing that you might join? If birthing a child is no longer possible, how can you have children be a part of your life? If a two year commitment to joining the Peace Core doesn’t fit you anymore, what short term international volunteer opportunities are there?

Someone—who never finished writing his book—once said to me, “All the good books have already been written.” That same person recently said the same about music. I don’t believe it. There is a song, a book, a dream inside each of us that was divinely placed there. Have a look back at those long held dreams. They hold a lot of wisdom and may be ready to be transformed into a new vision that will once again give you goose bumps and that little nervous thrill in your stomach. As James Clear says, “There will never be a perfect time to do something that stretches you.” It is the seventh inning folks. Perhaps now is your time for a stretch.

Would you like some support unlocking those dreams? You can join me on June 13-14 in Wausau, Wisconsin for “Living Empowered, Leading a soul led life with the support of the
Akashic Record
” Click on the link for more info – https://www.facebook.com/events/1602753060010929/

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Why Her Tears Were My Greatest Teaching

So I made my daughter cry this morning. We were in a rush to get to the bus on time. She decided she wanted pig tails and that she wanted to do it herself. I offered to do them for her and she said, “I am a big girl. I can do it myself.” The truth is at 8 years old there were many things I wish that she would do herself that she doesn’t. Instead, she plays the “I can’t” card more often than I would like. So I should be glad she wants to do it herself but…her attempt to put pig tails in her hair looks like the aftermath of a tornado with bits of her hair strewn in all directions – one pig tail close to her nose and the other in the back of her head. She, of course, is pleased with herself. I hear that little voice inside of me say “let it go” but I ignore the voice and instead offer again – this time in an annoying condescending mom voice to pleeeease let me fix it. She insists she can do it and by this time we are way past the 2 minute allotment she had to do her hair and make it out of the house on time. I tell her, “You’re done; into the car,” which is the perfect moment for her to decide she must now wear her rain boots rather than snow boots as miraculously we have nearly instantaneously gone from below zero to fifty degrees with snow melting at a record pace. And now she’s frantically looking for the one rain boot gone MIA during the long cold winter. I tell her we are going to miss the bus and she has to wear her snow boots. Lots of sighing and mumbling under her breath ensues and somewhere along the line I tell her she is acting like a baby. Screeeeeeech – the tears begin the flow.

I am frustrated, she is frustrated, and by the time we pull into the YMCA parking lot where she picks up her school bus – which takes her to a wonderful school in the woods that she loves – she is mad. We get out of the car, I try to talk to her about starting our day differently, that I love her and attempt to hug it out. She is not having any of it. “I am mad at you. You called me a baby.” And to prove my point despite herself, she lets out a cascade of tears and walks away. I feel awful…helpless….I try one last time to calm her down but she is having no part of it. The whole thing seems way out of proportion, especially since she is usually an easy going kid. I go talk with the other moms and tell them what happened. They all shake it off and share their stories of how they have been there many times. Still feeling bad – now as she is off by herself hidden by the bike racks – I go up to one of her good friends, tell her my daughter is upset and could use a friend. The friend happily goes over to her, but my daughter is not in a consoling mood. The bus comes and she hops on without a goodbye or a glance backward.

I dashed off to my chiropractor appointment after the bus pulled away. As I am being treated, I let out that I was feeling bad about this exchange with my daughter and, much to my embarrassment, tears rolled down my cheek. “It is tough being a parent,” he responded. “She is probably out playing now and forgot all about it,” he continued. I lay there cringing wishing I were back in bed and could have a morning do over.

I come from a family of fixers. My parents, all three of my siblings, we are all fixers. Something goes wrong, a friend has a problem, we try and find a solution. There is injustice in the world and we try and fix it. My husband is not a fixer nor, from my experience, are others in his family. So when a fixer and a non-fixer come together there are challenges. I called up my non- fixer husband on the way home from the chiropractor. I was still feeling shaky and I shared with him what happened and how bad I felt. I resisted the urge to drive to my daughter’s school which is a half hour away to try and make it better, realizing I would be doing it more for myself than for her. My husband just listened, didn’t try to make it better, didn’t try to fix anything. I didn’t want him to. I just needed him to bear witness to what I was feeling and realizing about myself. I am appreciating the benefits of being married to a non-fixer. 10716917376_1d4d4ccd89_b

Something about this experience triggered very old wounds in me. None of us want to see our children in pain, let alone pain that we feel we have caused. As a child I took everything to heart and was very sensitive. I was made fun of in the family for having “tender feelings. I realize as an adult, as my friend Wendy Wolfe teaches, I am a highly sensitive empath. That sensitivity has allowed me to do the spiritual growth work I do in the world with the Akashic Record as well as help women on their journey for love and their deepest heart’s desires. It has also made me super sensitive to my daughter. She too is highly sensitive but she managers her energy much better than I did as a child and at times now as an adult. She has an amazing ability to be in the moment and let go. She is a beautiful wise caring old soul who is my greatest teacher.

When my daughter got home from school, she flung open my office door and gave me a hug as if nothing had happened. Later that night we had a chat about the hurt feelings from earlier in the day. We agreed how to do things differently so we can have smoother mornings. Then she ran in her room and came back with chocolate kisses left over from Valentine’s Day. We ate chocolate, laughed and cuddled. All was right in the world again.

That night we talked a lot about what it was like for me growing up. I realized a lot of the pain I was still carrying from childhood was reflected back at me through the crying eyes of my child. Wounds I thought I had moved on from, pain I thought was healed. In trying to make it better for my daughter, I was really trying to save the little girl inside of me that I couldn’t help then. Healing can be a life long journey and happens on many levels. When we are ready for a growth spurt often our soul sends another layer of healing to experience. In paying attention to our reactions while going through the emotions of anger and fear, we can be with the sadness and give ourselves the support and compassion we couldn’t have provided as children. This opens us to a new level of intimacy with ourselves and others while allowing our deepest heart’s desires to come forward and be manifested.

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Whose Fantasy Is It Anyway?

They fascinated me as if characters from a movie walked out of the screen and came alive. There was this invisible wall between us. I was nervous to talk to them. They didn’t quite seem real. It was the first time the auction was being held in Marshfield. It was a consignment auction of Amish crafts, furniture and quilts. Since there were several communities of Amish a long buggy ride away,  many families were in attendance. My friend Jill and I indulged in homemade donuts and the best sloppy joe (a.k.a. barbeque) I had ever had. We got great deals on beautiful handmade baskets and rugs. Jill even won the bidding on an intricately crafted double glider rocker. We felt bad because there weren’t many people there since it was the first auction in town and not well publicized. Some of the quilts were going for such low prices (that would not have covered the cost of materials), the women that made them actually bought them back so they could sell them later.

I watched the Amish families interacting with each other. The women had made food to sell to support their school and community. The older siblings helped with the younger ones and to my surprised so did the men. They seemed like such a loving supportive community. My heart was aching for that kind of connection. I wanted a family of my own although that possibility seemed far away.

Most of the Amish would smile at us but kept their distance…except for Fannie. Fannie was an outgoing, quick witted woman who had six children. She got a kick about how fascinated people were with the Amish and how willing they were to pay extra for things because they were labeled Amish. She once showed me a feather she had found stuck on an egg in a carton she was selling. She plucked it off and said, “Here want to buy it?”
During that first auction I met a woman named Linda who drove for some of the families, taking them on errands, etc. She invited us out to see Fannie’s place. To my surprise some of the smaller roads in the county where they lived were not paved and made of dirt. It was a very surreal experience pulling up to Fannie’s farm on the dirt road at sunset. The energy felt different. Truly as if stepping back in time. Fannie was happy to see us and very welcoming. We chatted for a while and she showed us her sewing machine where she made beautiful quilts. The kids kept coming in and out eager to watch us. One of her sons was laying out on a bench half asleep. Fannie explained he was going through “Rumspringa” and was recovering from a drunken night. Not being familiar with this tradition –when Amish teenagers are allowed to go and have more worldly experiences and play before making the decision to join the church–I was quite surprised. Fannie however was not the least bit phased.

We walked across the dirt road to Fannie’s daughter and son-in-law’s home. They were quite young with a new baby. It was dark except for the glow of a lantern in the small barn where a skinny cow was being milked by Jacob. He was friendly and we talked about the cow and the woodworking that he does. His wife was shy and stood nearby holding the baby. Looking at the property, things looked old and in disrepair; however, standing there that night watching them, they had a wealth I deeply longed for.

One day I heard from Linda that Fannie and her family were moving and there was going to be an auction outside of her home of household and farm items. I was surprised and sad to hear they would be moving. I drove out to the auction. I found Fannie and asked why they were moving. Something had happened and the Bishop of the community was not happy with them so they were moving. That is the Reader’s Digest version. I had questions that had to go unasked. They were moving to a community in Southern Wisconsin and she invited me to come visit her there. Sadly, she would be separated from her daughter and son-in-law as they were going to move to a different community where he had work. Fannie seemed to take it all in stride and made jokes. I felt sad. My illusion of what their life and community was like was bursting.

At the auction, Fannie’s old sewing machine, along with that of her daughter, came up for bid. No one was bidding on them and I saw the excitement that someone might buy them go out of Fannie’s eyes. Although I am not a sewer, seeing the sewing machines sparked a fantasy that maybe I could learn. I was the only bidder and got them for a dollar each. Fannie seemed pleased that they were passed on to me.

For a year those sewing machines sat in my garage. They seemed to hold the energy of my longing for that life that seemed so peaceful 13900302021_4db92b74b7_hand simple. In reality it was hard to think about what happened with Fannie and her family. I realized I had to create my own reality of the family I wanted and the community I wanted to invest in and be a part of. We all feel on the outside at times; looking at the knot hole in the fence of someone else’s life can help us to know what we want or don’t want. It can also spiral us into feelings of lack and hopelessness based on what we perceive their life to be.

A few months ago I went to the Marshfield Amish auction. The auction is held twice a year and it had been a while since I had been there. My daughter was with me. She is learning how to knit in school and brought her knitting with her. An Amish lady sitting near us asked her about her knitting. They chatted about knitting and crocheting. It was sweet to hear the two of them talk. I reflected back to all the auctions I have been over time. Eliana, who is now 8, has been to several through the years. When she was younger she used to play with the little Amish girls. I thought back to that first auction, and to Fannie. How I used to sit there and feel that ache of longing in my heart. Feeling like it could never happen for me. Once I let go of the fantasy, claimed what I wanted, and began to believe I deserved a loving healthy relationship, a family, and a great community, I allowed it to be so.

If you are ready to go for what you want and create a loving healthy relationship and the life of your dreams, I invite you to apply for a Journey to Meet your Mate Breakthrough Session. I am offering a limited number sessions via telephone. This breakthrough session is normally $197, but right now I am offering it FREE as a gift.
This is a special session designed for women over 30 who are ready to put love first and are currently single AND not in a relationship. I’ll help you identify exactly what you want in your ideal partner. We will also pinpoint some specific things in your life that are preventing you from finding and keeping the love you want. And, I will share some powerful recommendations to help “the one” find you! To schedule a FREE session, click the link here  https://www.timetrade.com/book/FZQVS or contact me at JuleeDuessing@yahoo.com. But do it soon before all the slots fill up! Already in a relationship? Pass this along to a friend, family member or colleague who needs the support and is ready for the transformation!

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What have you bartered for Love and Affection?

The morning of my wedding, I sat down to write how I was feeling before getting married. I have worked with hundreds of clients over the years and many times I heard people say that they knew before even said “I do” – they should have said “get me the hell out of here!” Better yet, they never should have let it get that far. I was determined that wasn’t going to happen to me. Although I was doing gut checks leading up to the big day, I wanted to do one last check in before making the commitment. I did it so I would be sure at that moment, and to have it as a gift for my future self, knowing at times marriage will be difficult. I wrote the letter while in a hotel room. Bill and I decided to spend the night before our wedding apart and so I stayed with my soul sister Carolyn. Bill came to greet me after I had gotten all primped for the wedding. I can still see his face as he came down the hall beaming carrying a bouquet for flowers complete with the plastic wrap from the store still on it along with the price tag. I laughed as it was one of several good intentions not perfectly executed. And me being a perfectionist it was one of many lessons in letting go and embracing the quirky gifts of this beautiful man.

Being in a loving healthy relationship is about finding the best in ourselves and healing the 10011881004_aa81691af4_hworst. Growing into our souls that hold the highest vision of who we are and what we can become. It is not about fixing yourself or your partner. Nor is it about giving yourself away, or being less than so the other person can feel good. Relationships are of course about compromise, but it is what you are comprising that is the question. Many people, women in particular, try and hold the relationship together by tip toeing around their partner, and become the glue for the relationship. They fear if they focus on themselves, what they want, things will fall apart. I have had women say; “It is better than being alone right? At least I have someone to come home to.”

As we reach our mid-thirties, forties, fifties and beyond, and look back at what we have traded for love and affection, it can daunting.

Part of getting ready for a new relationship is healing those old wounds and getting clear on what we really need and desire. An overriding theme with many women I work with is feeling not worthy of having what they truly desire in a relationship which often blocks them from knowing what that is. While intellectually they may know they are deserving, deep down it is the feeling of, can I really have what I want and am I worthy of it?
In the rawest form we all want to be loved and accepted for who we are – warts and all. The desire to be loved is so strong we sometimes barter away part of ourselves in exchange. Those parts won’t stay quiet forever and claw at you for attention in the form of depression, anxiety, addictions and the blahs. Or we throw ourselves into our work, our children, television, the Internet, charity work or anything that will distracts us from the aches in our hearts.

So what was in the letter I wrote on my wedding day? It was about love, gratitude, grace and freedom. Entering into spiritual partnership with Bill was about stepping into becoming my best self and fully expressing all of who I am. It can be a lofty challenge some days. In a loving healthy relationship you mirror in each other all that is unhealed. We can choose to respond with love and compassion or with fear and anger. Most importantly we must let ourselves be seen and heard. Take the risks.

Are you ready to go on a Journey to Meet Your Mate? I help single women who are over 30 align Heart, Mind and Soul to manifest your perfect match. I am passionate about helping women manifest their deep desire to be in a loving intimate relationship. Everyone deserves love. You don’t need to put your life on hold until you find it or wait until everything is just right to allow it to find you.

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