When you allow yourself to be vulnerable and let go of numbing agents like food, alcohol, the Internet etc. there is a side effect. Your tolerance for bullshit will go way down and surface wounds may be ripped open and take an express train to the depths of lifetime’s worth of pain. Don’t be scared…it is all good in the end!
A friend recently helped to reignite an old wound. I am grateful because this time when all the rawness hit me, I confronted it. I didn’t respond passive aggressively, didn’t ignore it, didn’t plot a response for some day in the future, didn’t try to feed it and cover it up, rather I made a conscious choice to be vulnerable and dealt with it head on.
From the outside, it may of not of seemed like a big deal. We were making plans to go to an event and I felt slighted, left out, not valued etc. When I got a text about the evening, it triggered a deep wound. The pain I was feeling seemed out of proportion. However, over the last few weeks I made a big commitment to myself and to G-d. I committed to living my life in a more authentic vulnerable way. This includes going on a serious journey of becoming healthier which embraces not using food as a pacifier. In doing, this I have created a space that by its nature forces me to feel things at a deeper level, and when I am being courageous, explore their origins.
I had this image of the game Battle Ship and my friend had the red pegs to put in my ship and sink it. Sometimes, people in our life who are here to help us learn and grow, seem to know all the right buttons to push, or the red pegs to put into our ships that causes them to take on water.
We always have a choice as to how to respond. Last night I chose to get curious and explore the pain. I have a very old childhood wound (and I am sure it goes back even further) of feeling left out and unimportant. I am the youngest of four kids. I always felt everything that went on at home very deeply, even if it wasn’t happening to me. My Dad would yell at my brothers or sister, they would get mad and I would be the one to cry. The running joke in the house was “Julee has tender feelings.” It was started by my Mom, not as joke, but as a way to help my siblings and my Father be more compassionate. Instead the opposite happened and it was used mockingly. That sensitivity has been a great gift in my life and allows me to be successful in the work I do with people. A challenge of being very sensitive personally while being empathetic with others, is understanding when it is not about you (it rarely is), when situations are being presented as a learning opportunity. At the same time, we teach people how to treat us, so we do need to acknowledge our feelings and express how we want to be treated.
Brené Brown, writes in her book, Daring Greatly: How the Courage to Be Vulnerable Transforms the Way We Live, Love, Parent, and Lead: “Because true belonging only happens when we present our authentic, imperfect selves to the world, our sense of belonging can never be greater than our level of self-acceptance.”
If we don’t accept who we are, imperfections and all we will never feel included. That is the journey I have been on. I have stopped waiting until…..I lose more weight, I get organized, I have figured it all out etc. I am taking imperfect action in my life and it feels incredibly freeing! I invite you to do the same.
When we show up for ourselves, as ourselves in our lives, we attract others who are doing the same and they will be there to encourage and support us. I have seen that more and more over recent weeks and I am excited to deepen those mutually supportive relationships.
As Oriah Mountain Dreamer says, in her poem, The Invitation –
“It doesn’t interest me what planets are squaring your moon. I want to know if you have touched the center of your own sorrow, if you have been opened by life’s betrayals or have become shriveled and closed from fear of further pain. I want to know if you can sit with pain, mine or your own, without moving to hide it, or fade it, or fix it.”
With the recent Equinox where the daylight and darkness are in balance for a day, we are now entering the darkest time of the year. It is a slow decent and a great time to let what is seeking light inside of you come up and show you its gifts. As I teach in my workshops, allowing yourself to go deep and peel off another layer may hurt momentarily, but that is how muscles get built. And those muscles help to support manifesting your deepest desires and living an abundant, joy filled life. Have a great workout!
Are you looking for some support to go deep and build those spiritual muscles? Check out Julee’s two upcoming workshops. Or contact Julee to learn about her private coaching opportunities.